Between the ages of 21 and 23, I tried to commit suicide. A number of times. I was seriously pissed off with both myself and my life, and I just wanted out of the game. I felt totally out of phase with social norms, and the more I tried to fit in, the more manipulated and exploited I felt. To top it all off, I felt deeply stupid about life. Me! Who was supposed to be such a smart girl!
That was over 35 years ago now, so clearly I wasn’t successful with my attempts to kill myself. Although in one way I was, as I came to realise something incredibly important that forever changed who I used to be at that time.
This realisation went to the heart of my DNA and absolutely changed my attitude, my choices, and, ultimately, my behaviours.
That fundamental spark of insight that changed the course of my life was nothing you haven’t heard before. I’m sure I’d heard it before too, but at that particular time, I was finally ripe for it’s impact on me. Are you ready for the reveal?
There is no playing truant from life. If you exit before your time, you will come straight back and start all over again.
Fuck! I’d just emerged from a mundane and pleasant childhood, and was just getting the hang of running my own life. I didn’t want to have to waste another 20 years going over that again!
But there was more to the insight …
The reason we (as Spirit) choose an incarnation is to learn lessons, to have experiences. We learn various lessons and move on to others.
Ahhh! Yes, I get that. But do you think I could get different lessons, rather than the same one again, and again, and again? No? You mean I have to learn the lesson before I’m allowed to go on to another one? Fuck! Okay … I’d better roll my sleeves up and try to figure out what the lessons are then. And hopefully I’d move through to more interesting and fun lessons. Quickly!
One of the post-suicide-attempt repercussions was a set of mandatory appointments with a psychiatrist. Young and handsome, he became, over a few years, one of my pivotal teachers in my re-alignment with life.
As were meditation teachers, spiritual groups, philosophers, and feminists. This was before the Internet, so I read a lot of books. A. Lot. Of. Books. Classics as well as pop-psychology. I was given the most intensive, major assignment I’ve ever had in my life, because really counted big time! My future literally depended on it.
I wanted to know why life was the way it was, and how to best navigate it in order to be happy. Especially as a woman. Who made the rules? What gives one group of people the right control others?
But more importantly … Why do we let them? Why do we give our power away, and, critically, how do we claim it back?
Now, as many of you who have done your own research into such matters, you will have learned, as I did, that the answers are endlessly layered and interconnected. There is no major revelation that solves all of life’s painful twists and turns.
But I did learn another major key to happiness …
Where I hurt is where I need to heal.
Everything I read pointed to the need to be responsible for my own beliefs, emotions, and behaviours. And while the context, patterns, and circumstances of life might be shaped by others, how I navigated through them was up to me. Only me.
So I don’t play my life at the surface level. I relish juicy conversations about the big picture and the meaning of life. I learned first hand that what it’s all about is love we foster in the world and what we create as our legacy.
I can only teach what I have personally mastered. So I can’t teach you about how to be successful in business or how to make a lot of money. But I can teach you about life and legacy. The feminine way.